Fighting For Gratitude

Have you ever had one of those days where everything seems to be going wrong, and all you feel like doing is grumbling about it? If your answer is no, I think you’re probably kidding yourself. Complaining is human nature.

The thing is, I’ve come to realise how bad an attitude of complaining is for my own mental health.

Let me back up a little.

When I was almost fourteen, I lost my grandpa to a disease that took him when he was only in his late 60s. There’s no doubt about it—that was the most difficult period of my life. I’d lost family before, but losing him hit me harder than any other experience.

The world lost an incredible man, but I lost a friend.

For about a year, I dealt with depression, although not many people know this about me. I drew into my shell like a frightened snail, and I let myself be miserable. I felt so alone.

I found myself constantly asking God, “Why me?” Why was I having to struggle while other people were still going along like before, being happy? 

I knew God was in control, but I honestly couldn’t think of one good thing that could come out of it.

As time passed, however, I began the slow process of healing. “Everyone else has burdens to bear too,” I told myself. “I haven’t been singled out.” I repeated this to get it cemented in my mind.

As I contemplated my mood swings and the unhealthy thoughts constantly flooding my mind, I knew I needed to kick this mentality I had.

I thought over and over about a Bible verse I memorised when I was little: “A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.” – (Proverbs‬ ‭17:22)

I decided it was time for a change. 

No matter what I do, I can’t bring loved ones back. I don’t think they’d want me to be mopey—but rather trust that God has a plan for me, and live my life!

One of the first things I started working on was trying my best to open up to people. Letting them help me when I can’t do it on my own. I’m not someone who shows a ton of emotion in general (without effort, anyway), and I’m still perfectly rotten at letting my walls down, but there’s no doubt I’ve made an improvement.

I started specifically seeking out verses in my Bible that are reminders to “be glad” and “be thankful.” It’s amazing how many there are. 

Most recently, I’ve started a gratitude journal, in which I write three things I’m thankful for every day. Or at least, nearly every day—I’m far from perfect and sometimes I just plain forget. I’m doing my best to write down small things.

Like my cat that gets all excited to see me when I get up in the morning. Or finding a note someone wrote me years ago that I had buried in my closet.

I won’t lie and say I don’t complain anymore, or even say I don’t complain that much. If I did that, you’d better believe my siblings would be quick to snitch on me. ;)

All I can say is that I’m trying.

Do I still struggle with accepting God’s plan and looking for a “silver lining” in situations that make me want to crawl in a hole? Absolutely. Am I horrible at being humble enough to accept help? Oh yeah.

But no matter what, I have to keep believing that I’m not alone. Whatever it is, someone else is struggling too.

And through it all, God is faithful.

— Abigail F