Unexpected Strength in Brokenness

I can recall countless mornings and nights of lying in bed as hot tears escaped my swollen and red eyes. Pain. That's all I felt. It had become the norm. I had convinced myself that my health would never improve. The pain would never end, and my weak body would never regain its strength. 

"This won't last forever, Grace," my mom whispered as she fought back her own tears in the early months of this journey. I leaned against the wall, tears streaming down my face as I tried to believe her. But I couldn't. I angrily wiped away my tears as another day of no diagnosis, increasing pain, and my fatigue overwhelmed me. I was filled with dread and frustration as each day came to an end because I knew that the next day would be a repeat but only worse. "I can't take this anymore, God," I'd whisper in between my sobs. 

I wrestled with so many different emotions—so much confusion, anger, loneliness, and despair. I struggled with so many questions and doubts while my prayers continued to go unanswered.

Why is a ''good'' God allowing me to suffer like this?

Was He even listening to me? Did He even care?

He says that He is near to the broken-hearted...how come I can't feel Him? 

Depression became like my shadow: no matter how hard I tried, it was always one step behind me, and it never stopped hunting me down. I had to fight against it every single day--sometimes hourly. Many times I felt as though I had lost the battle. But I learned that after every defeat I had, my breakthrough was closing in.

Nearly two years later—I'm still dealing with the pain. I'm still struggling with depression, doubts, fears, and loneliness. Heck, every day is still so hard to get through, but I've been learning to trust God despite my circumstances. From my viewpoint, I can't see the ultimate purpose of my suffering, but I can believe that God's going to continue to carry me through it. I believe that I will look back on this time in my life and see how God was working to bring good out of it for me and for others. 

True faith is born when we choose to keep believing what God has told us in the light as we travel through the dark. His promises still remain true regardless of our struggles, circumstances, fears, or doubts. 

Put your faith and trust in His name and cling to His promises. Wait, watch, and listen while God is working to bring good out of the worst situations.